just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
