i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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