Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
