I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize