I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
