and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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