What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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