He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
