I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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