I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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