A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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