did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
