yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Duck Duck Cougar?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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