stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
