Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
