Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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