never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
