i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
