If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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