Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
