Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
