Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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