Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
