im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
