I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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