you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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