turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
