I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
this just has baby written all over it
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
