i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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