i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
