I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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