Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
