Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
