two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
