all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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