While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
