I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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