It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
