Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
