When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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