Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
