The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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