Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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