I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
