I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
