That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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