i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
