It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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