I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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