you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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