I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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