dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize