Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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