I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
