You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
