Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i dont even know how to be here
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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