at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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