wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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